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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?