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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops