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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.