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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
It´s never to late to be happy
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.