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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married