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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate