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First fart at my new job.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.