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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?