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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.