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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.