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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.