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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.