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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
My favorite beer is an open one.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch