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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.