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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!