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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.