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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.