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Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.