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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.