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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.