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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...