Daily Silly Status

I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"

If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.

When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.

I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.

I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."

I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.

I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!

I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear

You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.

I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything

Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.

Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."