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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.