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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...