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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.