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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.