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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar