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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party