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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.