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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.