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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime