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2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.