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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
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