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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment