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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Plan B includes margaritas.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.