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I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.