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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.