Daily Silly Status

If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.

When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.

I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.

You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.

Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.

I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.

Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.

I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.

Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here