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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Iām not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode