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My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?