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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.