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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.