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When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.