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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there