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"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie