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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.