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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?