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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.