Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
My inner self is in Photoshop
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.