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Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...