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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Are walruses just vampire manatees?