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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.