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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
It’s not pretty being easy.