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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson