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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?