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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?