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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
u cant spell awesome without me
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...