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My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.