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I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.