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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.