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I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Iād like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"