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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.