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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.