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If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone