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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.