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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.