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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"