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Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.