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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....