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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel