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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.