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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
Haters are my motivators(:
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.