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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!