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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic