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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Go ahead caller 9!!
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.