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It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..