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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!