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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...