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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
Take me seriously at your own risk.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me